Bong Load Girls #1

When I was a young man, events in my life put me on a course that didn’t include drinking or smoking or taking any drugs, and in general I feel like that has worked out for me. My main function at gatherings where people were taking drugs was to be the guy who could tell you that the word bong might be derived from the Thai “baung”, or cylindrical pipe, but was more likely a descendant of “bhang”, from the Sanskrit “bhanga”, which was a preparation from the leaves and seed capsules of the cannabis plant, smoked, chewed, eaten, or infused and drunk to obtain mild euphoria. Now, though, after watching Bong Load Girls, I kind of wish I had said yes to that girl Emily when she asked me if I wanted to smoke some pot after astronomy class in my first year of college. Judging from what happens in Bong Load Girls after you smoke some pot, I missed a sure bet.

Fast, loose and totally under control, everything in Bong Load Girls is great in one way or another, starting with the opening scene, an eight-minute montage with a slow, sensuous Ruby Knox solo masturbation intercut with dreamy images of San Francisco and Marin County and scored with one of those long, repetitive, surreal pieces of music that you find in movies when someone is undergoing a transformative experience; Rob Rotten mixes iconic shots like the Golden Gate Bridge and a Haight/Ashbury sign with lesser-known cannabis-friendly Bay Area locales like Novato and the Marin headlands, tosses in nods to Eureka and Bob Marley, and then proceeds to go nuts with in-jokes for the rest of the movie. If you’re a fan of pot humor, you’ll find a lot to laugh about. I spent a lot of time laughing even though I am sure I missed ninety percent of the jokes. Maybe more.

Rob starts off with a personal message, warning you that Punx Productions neither condones nor advises the use of illegal drugs, slyly intercut with some subliminal messaging, and then bids you sit back with your munchies in reach (I recommend Ritz Crackers ‘n’ Cheez, Nutter Butter cookies, sunflower seeds and a tub of peanut butter cups from Trader Joe’s.) My advice to you is to watch every frame of Bong Load Girls, even if you have to do it scene by scene. If your attention wanders, turn it off and come back later when you can concentrate.

Ruby Knox’s masturbation scene is epic – with it, Bong Load Girls becomes the first porn movie that has ever reminded me of Apocalypse Now. Even if you’re not going to watch it for the naked Ruby Knox, you have to pay attention to it for the weird, dreamy trip through the North Bay – I suspect if you know Rob Rotten, it’ll have some extra significance to you, at the very least as an informal guide to places where Rob has had a lot of fun. Regardless, Ruby gets herself off while sitting on a stool in what looks like someone’s workshop, but the whole thing comes perilously close to being art. Jeanie Marie and Tony Tedeschi (I recognize that he is riffing on a bunch of jokes from Half-Baked, and that pretty much exhausts my knowledge of the drug humor) turn in a scene in which new neighbor, Jeanie, smells some pot, comes over to find out if there’s anybody to smoke with, and ends up staying for some frantic sex. Jeanie looks deliciously slutty with tarted-up hair and a stoned grin, and she and Tony bang out a no-frills fuck in short order. Tiny little Kat – by her braces you will know her - orders some hash oil from the friendly local Dr. Feelgood, but when deliveryman Rob, playing it straight, shows up and won’t take pot in exchange, she has to put out – surprise! – to pay the tab. The excellent blowjob might be enough for most men, but this is hash oil and Rob is a pro – he exacts fair value for his three ounces, fucking her in the ass for good measure.

Jamie Elle, another cute little girl with long blonde hair, has been avoiding the dorky guy from next door who is trying to get in her pants, but when a funky Rasta stud shows up, she’s willing to open up those legs pretty quick; the two of them put her couch through its paces in a few different positions before he unloads on her tits and collapses and his Rasta hat and fake dreads fall off and Jamie figures out that she’s been had. Scarlett Pain is a heavily tattooed girl – not into Rotten’s league yet, but she’s got some promising triple-A numbers – who can’t wait for her man to get home, so she takes a few hits and heads off to dreamland, where she experiences a fine fantasy – while using her elaborately worked glass bong/dildo to get herself off – about Kaylee Lovecox and Daisy Tanks, who may be the genies of the bong or something, as they have a great girl/girl scene in which they use the very same glass pipe on each other; both halves of the scene are great, and it gets even better when Rob comes home and gets an extraordinarily good blowjob for an end-of-the-day relaxer.

When I was a young man, events in my life put me on a course that didn’t include drinking or smoking or taking any drugs, and in general I feel like that has worked out for me. Now, though, after watching Bong Load Girls, I kind of wish I had said yes to that girl Emily when she asked me if I wanted to smoke some pot after astronomy class in my first year of college. Judging from what happens in Bong Load Girls after you smoke some pot, I missed a sure bet.... Read the Full Review!