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Creampies: A Semantic Approach

Today we talk about creampies, what they are and what you can expect from their porn manifestations.

Porn, that most graphic of genres, is nevertheless responsible for the wholesale obfuscation of several terms, especially what it means to be a MILF in this country. Let's say one is an expectant father and wants to know what sex will be like after the post-partum depression wears off. He buys a MILF movie from online porn merchant Gamelink only to discover that the "MILF" is not a mom at all -- she's merely 29.

According to a poll I conducted outside Gamelink's sprawling San Francisco campus, 72 percent of legal age men (not porn stars) had sex with a woman who had given birth. Thus, sex with a MILF can be considered a normal part of someone's sexual diet.

It is when I asked about creampies that I drew blank stares.

"It's a porn thing, right?" asked a student at San Francisco's Cordon Bleu School who had, in fact, had sex with a MILF that very morning.

"Oh Yes."

And this is tragic, because it is evidence that porn has made a generation of people think that male gratification doesn't exist unless evidence of it is deposited on the face, breasts, belly, ass, or windshield of one's partner.

For a creampie is simply an internal cumshot that is then expelled or leaked from where it was deposited. It is for this reason that most men never see a creampie, because their girlfriends/spouses immediately run to the bathroom after sex, or simply mark its arrival by rolling away from it.

Creampies come (no pun intended) in several denominations. The vaginal, the anal or, if you work for condom-only Wicked Pictures, the prophylactic. (When you meet a male pornstar, shake his hand ((and don't do that thing where you mime wiping your hand off later)) if he has appeared in condom-only movies, because he had to stop just before climax wearing a condom, pull out of whatever he was in, take the condom off, and then let go. That's control.)

So don't creampies cause pregnancy? Yup. That is "The Accidental Creampie." As you can imagine, most porn starlets use birth control, and if a porn dude knows what he's doing, he pulls out. In this YouTube video, Alana Evans explains an unfortunate incident with Kurt Lockwood. (http://www.funnytv.us/Alana-Evans-Accuses-Kurt-Lockwood-of-Knocking-Her-Up__PmqHb_IvrJw.html)

Then there is the oral creampie, which a whopping 92 percent off respondents, once the creampie concept was explained to them, admitted to having witnessed.

"The first time I got a blowjob resulted in a creampie," one man outside San Francisco City Hall said. "Because she spit it out."

So, next time you're feeling down, remember that you do in fact fuck like a porn star every single time you stay in there and suppress the urge to ejaculate all over your partner's weave. You can say, "I didn't forget to pull out; I just gave you a creampie, Baby."

(This works better if you've shaved your balls.)

Gamelink has several fine creampie titles, covering the gamut of apertures.

Creampie Movies


Erik Everhard's The Art of the Cum Fart

Shane Diesel is Bustin' a Nut In Yo Hot Wife!

Bareback Bisex Cream Pie #2

Gangland Cream Pie #13

Jules Jordan's Pump My Ass Full of Cum

Have you spotted a Creampie you think we should take notice of? Email us!