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(Wet) Dream Matchups: Scenes We’d Like to See*

By: Val Williams

It's not like we don't have enough porn, so wishing for more is maybe a little silly, but there's no shortage of superhero movies, and people still wanted to see Batman v. Superman (which was not, disappointingly, about the landmark court case over Kryptonite patent rights). Likewise, you probably thought we were as awash in alien adventure movies as we could possibly be, but people still wanted Aliens vs. Predator, so I don't feel bad about wanting to see some of my favorite stars - both legendary and current - in matchups that might never happen but sound great on paper. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but people waited forever for Freddy vs. Jason, too. Let's just hope the results are better.

Peter North and Joanna Angel Peter North was known, in his day, for one thing: the ability to produce, on command, a volume of jizz that would exhaust an elephant. And not just produce; Peter North was famous for the vigor of his ejaculations, as well as the volume. you got the feeling, watching him blast girls in the face from down near knee level, that sometimes the cameramen and directors might have to take cover occasionally. Joanna Angel, on the other hand, wasn't much of a squirter, but she did helm a series called "Cum on My Tattoo," in which she and various cohorts exhorted studs to drop loads on their ink. If we could just combine the two, we could see porn's greatest fireman doing his best to cover porn's most famous tattooed lady. At his best, he might have been able to cum on every one of them.

Tom Byron and Tyler Nixon You might not know it to look at him now, but Tom Byron, the grizzled veteran, was once porn's boy-next-door, the eternal innocent whose aunts and cousins and sisters and horny next door neighbors fucked him to exhaustion. He took them all on and never stopped looking confused about his good fortune (until he grew a mullet in the nineties and lost his charm). Tyler Nixon is his millennial counterpart, the go-to kid in the new generation of fauxcest porn, and wouldn't it be a blast to see porn's two most wide-eyed naifs getting seduced or assaulted by the cream of porn's current crop of MILFs?

Cicciolina and Stormy Daniels You can't really get far in politics in America once you've done XXX - most porn stars don't even try. The sad reality is that once they've seen you doing the kind of things we like our porn stars to do, the viewing public don't think you've got the good judgment to be in a position to make laws about the kinds of things they can watch. I know, it's weird. But it's different in Europe, where they're much more sensible about sex and actually elected a delightful hippie named Cicciolina to the Italian Parliament. Cicciolina, an away-with-the-fairies blonde who once offered to have sex with Saddam Hussein if it would ease tensions in the Middle East, might have been able to give some good advice to Stormy Daniels, whose abortive bid to run for the Louisiana Senate briefly had part of America cheering and part of America sneering. At the very least, they would have looked great together.

Lily Cade and Christian XXX Lily Cade is what they call a gold-star lesbian, or one who has never been with a man at all, not even for pay. It's not really a documentable condition, but we trust our porn stars to tell us the truth - if we don't, how can we believe in their ecstasy and their orgasms? - and so we accept that Lily is as pure as can be, cock-wise. So what do you do if you love Lily Cade but get tired of all-girl porn? Well, you yearn - fruitlessly, yes, but still - to see Lily playing with a man, and it seems like maybe the thin end of the wedge would be a guy like Christian XXX. Christian is most notable for being a regular and something of a pioneer in trans and pegging porn, and Lily could stay in control the whole time and, at the very least, give as good as she got in terms of who gets to be inside who.

Jeannie Pepper and Jeannie Pepper Jeannie Pepper was in porn for almost thirty years, and she looked as good at the end of it as she did at the beginning. A little thicker, more mature, but still so very hot. In the early eighties, she was sassy, strong and sexy, but nowadays, she has even more of a saucy look to her, and even more experience to back it up. What with the current boom in incest porn, and the strength of the mother/daughter genre, I can't help but imagine young Jeannie and MILF Jeannie entwined in a lesbian embrace, or maybe seducing a younger brother, or a stepdad...well, the possibilities are endless, but all the ones I can think of that have two Jeannies are delightful. And if it's the same woman from two different time periods, I don't even think it counts as incest! *With apologies to the Usual Gang of Idiots

About Val Williams

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