Scare Your Pants Off: Halloween Porn Bestsellers
By: P. Weasels
Sometimes it’s hard to decide what to do on Halloween — everyone has a party, and you don’t want to miss any of them, but sometimes you just want to stay in and close the drapes and ignore the trick-or-treaters and eat all the candy yourself and deploy a couple of blankets and hide from the madness of the devil abroad. Well, here are ten good options for what to do instead of walking the night like a zombie or spending all your money on and sugar. Happy Halloween!
10. Mr. Skin’s The Hottest Halloween Costumes In Film
Studio: Mr. Skin
There’s not much to be said about “The Hottest Halloween Costumes in Film” – like any other Mr. Skin production, it consists of a couple of dozen short clips strung together, featuring skin shots from movies and TV shows; the amount of skin shown is of varying degrees and quality – some cleavage, some tits, the occasional pussy shot and a lot of what the TV rating system calls “adult situations” (implied sex but nothing hardcore). More than anything else, a Mr. Skin collection is a nostalgic trip back to what it meant to be fourteen and still lusting after a 5-second booby shot. Featuring Kelly Monaco, Holly Madison, Elvira, Linnea Quigley, Rachel McAdams, Shannon Elizabeth, Julie Benz, Eva Longoria, Jessica Alba, Naomi Watts, Diora Baird, Tori Spelling, and many others.
Buy: Mr. Skin’s The Hottest Halloween Costumes In Film
9. The Wicked
Studio: Wicked
“The Wicked” is a couple of different stories in one. It’s a journey of self-discovery – like so many Wicked movies, it tells the tale of a woman whose friends think she’s a prude but whose true nature is that of a lustful libertine with no limits, an unfettered slut with a raging appetite for men, women, creatures of every convenient size, objects of every provenance, et cetera, and in the course of her experiences she finds out that she can indulge every lust that crosses her mind and some that haven’t yet but will before the movie is over, but also, there are monsters.
The stories, in the long run, do not really matter, though, except in that they confirm my belief that Burning Man is infested by bloodsucking monsters who will make you part of their cult if you relax your vigilance even for a heartbeat. As usual, Wicked brings a big story to the screen, and achieves a feat that is one of the highest goals a porn company can strive for — if you happened across this on TV while there wasn’t any sex onscreen, you might think for a while that you were watching a real movie.
Buy: The Wicked
8. Lesbian Ghost Stories
Studio: Girlfriends Films
Honestly, I can’t promise you any real scares out of “Lesbian Ghost Stories,” but let’s be real. If you wanted legitimate fear and chills, you wouldn’t be shopping in this neighborhood on the internet. This (only very slightly) lackadaisical tale of a haint in love with a living girl tells the story of a young lesbian couple dealing with ghost trouble. How can Riley get rid of a ghost? and does she really want to? After all ghost Penny has been protecting her for years, infesting the house that Riley’s mom left her, and now that it’s time to sell the place and move on, hard decisions need to be made.
Ghost Penny can only be banished by transferences of sexual energy, but that’s tricky stuff, and Casey Calvert, Jessie Andrews, Maddy O’Reilly, Natalia Starr, Presley Hart, and Odette Delacroix have some tortuous paths to navigate. There’s betrayal and lesbian sex and murder and lesbian sex and twists and turns and lesbian sex. They know what you’re here for.
7. The Accidental Hooker
Studio: Wicked
I encourage you to read the text from the back of “The Accidental Hooker” closely, for one excellent reason: it is that rarest of things — cover copy that does not promise something it can’t deliver. That’s right — everything that you read on the back of this movie is accurate. Like you, I am weary to my bones of dark worlds of unholy lust, betrayal, and passion. I have had all the deadly secrets I can take, and my tolerance for what porn wishes me to believe is Machiavellian intrigue has been worn to a shadow. That is why I am happy to see that “a terrifying truth” was actually revealed at the end of “The Accidental Hooker,” and that it actually “may mean the end for the unsuspecting film crew.” Features are so often disappointing that it’s really great to run into one that is both skillfully made and subtle, a movie that actually fulfills its promise and its promises.
The Accidental Hooker is so good that I’m not even going to hint at what it’s about, for fear of spoiling it. You could be excused for watching it and wondering where the horror is, but stick with it. Trust me. If you’re looking for a porn movie that gives you good, well-shot sex and a genuinely well-made story, you’re not going to find a better one than The Accidental Hooker. Get a copy and watch it right away.
6. Voracious – Season Two Volume 4
Studio: Evil Angel
Universally lauded director John Stagliano seems to have hit the jackpot with the “Voracious” series, spinning out this tale of vampires, vampire hunters, and supernatural erotica for as long as connoisseurs of midnight horror porn will follow, and it looks like that will be a long time. Stagliano has always been an innovator and a stylemaker, and he’s onto to something with “Voracious.” This installment – episodes 13 through 18, if it matters – features James Deen as a relentless vampire tracker and Stoya, Lea Lexis, Ashley Fires, Chastity Lynn, Jessie Volt, Raine DeGrey, Roxy Raye, and Skin Diamond as his allies and prey.
“Voracious” is heavy on the BDSM, so if you like your sex rough and brutal, you could do worse than to invest some time in this elaborate effort. It may not be as far down the BDSM road as you want to go, but it’s as close as you’re going to get in mainstream porn – Stagliano does keep pushing the envelope, and he knows how to cast a movie.
Buy: Voracious – Season Two Volume 4
5. White Witch
Studio: Wicked
As is the case with most Wicked pictures, the plot in “White Witch” is secondary to the stylish and plentiful sex, but it’s nothing to scoff at. Everything, in fact, is especially stylish in this story of a low-end private dick hired to find a mysterious missing man. Along the way, he deals with some very gritty characters, some spooky atmosphere and some hardcore sex.
“White Witch” has some of the hard and some of the soft, a unique style, and more than one twist to its sinuous storyline; no spoilers, but it will keep you guessing all the way through – at least during the times when you’re not on the edge of your seat watching the great sex.
Buy: White Witch
4. The Visitors
Studio: Wicked
Michael Raven’s story of alien and sexual experimentation might be the closest thing to a real movie you’ll see when you’re buying porn. This tale of the extra-terrestrial invasion of a small town – Desert City, California – offers some genuinely creepy moments as well as a well-acted, enjoyable story. Speaking of story: There is one. I’m not going to go too deeply into what it’s about, because, to be honest, it doesn’t matter. “The Visitors” doesn’t make any statements about society, offers us no insights into anyone’s depth of character, does not make us think about important questions, does not prompt us to consider the universe. There are two sisters, one of whom has seen aliens since she was a little girl, and then some aliens come and take her and her friends and family away. That’s all, and I will not dwell further on it, because to do so would be to overanalyze the movie. More importantly, though, it would be to miss the point, and the point is that the movie is suspenseful, atmospheric, creepy, and engaging. It could have been about mummies, a cave-in at a coal mine, or an escaped monkey, and the methods Raven uses to make it would have made it an entertaining piece of work.
And speaking of entertaining pieces of work: Kimberly Kane. Make it your business to see this movie, if just for her – she is really acting here, and as well as anyone ever has in a porn movie. If Raven ever decides to exploit the ending of “The Visitors,” which might be a cliffhanger or might not be, depending on whether he decides to exploit it, I for one will be at the front of the line to buy the next installment.
Buy: The Visitors
3. Vampire Cheerleaders
Studio: Burning Angel
I love Joanna Angel. It’s as simple as that. There are those of you who will disagree, but fuck you guys. I don’t care about you. I care about Joanna Angel. And I love movies she’s in charge of. I could go on and on, but it’s enough to say that Angel is a genius when it comes to knowing what to half-ass – the plot and dialogue are goofy, improvised, and superfluous, but the cheerleaders have really nice custom-made uniforms that are especially hot when contrasted with the nearly fetish-grade tattooed girls inside them. Her special effects are cheesy and silly – witness Tommy Pistol’s werewolf makeup – but the sex is never scrimped on. I don’t know if you can really call this a horror movie, but it has vampires and a werrewolf, and that’s good enough for me.
In all their centuries as cheerleaders, Joanna, Jessie Lee, Krissie Dee, and Draven Star have not made the state finals even once, and their dismay is crushing. When Veronica Layke arrives at her new school and asks to join the cheer team, the four vampire girls scoff at the idea of a new girl, until Veronica mentions that she has been to States not once but twice. As tasty as she might look (and she looks very tasty), that is just too good an opportunity to just suck dry. Although nothing Joanna Angel does needs comic relief because it’s all funny, Tommy Pistol, as an endearingly stupid werewolf, provides the comic relief. If you too love Joanna Angel, you don’t need me telling you to jump right on this one, but if you’re not in the fan club yet, climb aboard.
Buy: Vampire Cheerleaders
2. The Rocki Whore Picture Show – A Hardcore Parody
Studio: Wicked
It would be hard to argue that the “Rocky Horror Picture Show” isn’t somehow the greatest cult film of all time, and although it isn’t in the least bit scary, it has inspired some of the best costume imitations ever. It’s not surprising, given its utter ridiculousness, that it took so long for a parody – how would you even parody it? – but here it is, from the capable hands of Brad Armstrong. He doesn’t turn his talents to parody very often, but it’s worth it when he does. With an all-star cast including jessica drake, Alektra Blue, Randy Spears, Nicki Hunter, Annie Cruz, Kaylani Lei, Ron Jeremy, and Kirsten Price, not to mention a couple of dozen more stars to flesh it out, the parody has style, and some pitch-perfect readings of the original characters. If you ever spent a teenaged midnight in a crowded theater throwing stuff at the screen and hitting your cues, you’re going to want to pick this one up.
Buy: The Rocki Whore Picture Show – A Hardcore Parody
1. Texas Vibrator Massacre
Studio: Loaded Digital
When I first saw this title, I sagged in dismay, thinking I was going to have to review some hack major studio’s awful, glibly titled girl/girl mess, but my interest perked up when I saw Rob Rotten’s name on the credits. I’m often at a loss in Rotten films, because he employs a lot of tattooed, pierced punk girls, which I like, but he also makes bloody zombie movies, which I prefer to keep separate from my porn. However, “Texas Vibrator Massacre” is a particularly effective piece of horror porn — Rotten relied more on suggestion than effects, proving that the idea of a severed arm or a wound or a cannibalistic feast is more terrifying than a fair-to-middling prosthetic approximation of an arm or a wound or a feast. It’s creepy as hell, and except for a little cheesiness near the end it’s as effective as it could be; I would give it eleven stars if we had that many on the site.
Rotten produced a superior porn movie here, and a more than passable movie overall. “Texas Vibrator Massacre” showcased Rotten’s growing maturity as a director, both finding new ways to make his movies interesting and getting the most out of his talent. He and his crew — and please, let’s give all props to the crew, every one of whom seems to have done a sterling job here — made a movie that, at least temporarily, made me forget that I don’t like this kind of movie.
About P. Weasels
P. Weasels has been working in various aspects of the porn industry since 1997, and has been a fan since 1975. He has also worked in the videogame and comic-book industries. In his spare time, he performs as a storyteller at various events in the San Francisco Bay Area and looks for things to do in the San Francisco Bay Area that will make for good stories. He has written for Gamelink, Kink.com, and the San Francisco Chronicle, and wishes he had spent more time playing baseball as a kid, because he thinks he would have made a good catcher. Email if you want to hear his idea about a great escort agency.
