Porn’s Executive Privilege: Fapping Material for Our Worst Presidents

We all pretty much agree on the best Presidents, right? I mean of the actual United States; you can’t include Jefferson Davis or Frank Underwood or Selina Meyer, or even Jed Bartlet. So you’ve got your Washington and your Lincoln and your Jefferson — most people agree on those three at least, and you can’t leave Franklin Roosevelt out of it, and a lot of people lobby for Teddy Roosevelt in there, although I personally think a stronger case can be made for Eisenhower or Truman. I get you if you don’t agree, but I admire the guy who does a good job of cleaning up a mess more than the guy who does a great job making it. Anyway, the point is that you hear a lot about the great presidents, but very little about the terrible ones. So this year for Presidents’ Day, instead of speculating about whether Lincoln would like interracial porn or whether Washington might like Hot Cherry Pies, we’re going to think about what our worst Chief Executives might have watched. And before you ask, no, we won’t be including Donald Trump, who obviously belongs at the top of the list. Not because he isn’t the worst President ever, but because his term isn’t over — as distant as the odds are, he could still redeem himself. Oh, and also because we don’t carry porn.

The principal charge laid against James Buchanan is that he blew pretty much the last chance to head off the Civil War, but he was also president during something called the Panic of 1857. He was also routinely called a doughface, which sounds kind of tame now, but has a certain elegantly rude 19th-century ring to it. You’d think that would just roll off his back, but the rhetoric in those days was both more polite and much more savage — doughface meant something. He was the only president to have been a lifelong bachelor, but no scandals really obtained on that head. His real claim to infamy lies in historians faulting him for his failure to address the issue of slavery and the secession of the southern states, bringing the nation to the brink of civil war — a fact which puts him at the bottom of just about every single survey of bad presidents taken before 2016. Still even terrible people love porn, and as the executive branch’s only bachelor, he probably would have loved using the White House theater for late-night wank-fests. Wouldn’t you? Since we’re not stooping to the cheap joke of giving any president especially the ones from this era — access to interracial porn, we award him instead an unlimited supply of hotwife smut.

Often called America’s horniest president, Warren Gamaliel Harding (whose middle name sounds like both a Japanese movie monster and an Old Testament angel) called his penis “Jerry,” which lacks both ingenuity and style, but referred to the vagina of one of his mistresses as “Mrs. Pouterson.” He was the first President we know of who was blackmailed for his antics — the RNC paid out somewhere between $20,000 and $25,000 in addition to a monthly hush money bill of $5,000 to a canny bed partner. He also routinely boned a juicy barely legal Nan Britton in the coat closet of the Oval Office and fathered a daughter with her. In her 1927 book, she described losing her virginity to then-Senator Harding when she was 20 and he was over 50 in a New York hotel. “I remember so well I wore a pink linen dress which was rather short and enhanced the little-girl look.” Harding liked that sort of thing. The tryst between Harding and Britton lasted six years, into Harding’s presidency. Pretty much the only woman he didn’t have sex with was his wife Florence; “It’s a good thing I’m not a woman. I would always be pregnant. I can’t say no,” he told reporters during his presidency. When you stick the Teapot Dome scandal — you can look it up, but it’s not sexy — on top of that, it makes sense that historians almost always rank him at the bottom. Still, he liked young girls, and so do we, so he gets to watch teen porn in Bad President Heaven.

Andrew Johnson, Abraham Lincoln’s vice-president, looked like Kelsey Grammer, and a Whig newspaper of the day referred to him as “the vilest radical and most unscrupulous demagogue in the Union. He escaped death in the Lincoln conspiracy only because his assassin got and fell , so he was able to back into the Presidency, where he botched the post-war recovery and became the only President for two hundred years to be impeached (his impeachment seems to have failed because of bribery). His fellow politicians, even his allies, found him of dubious value — one friend stated in a letter to him “You have been in the way of our would-be great men for a long time. Many of us never wanted you to be Governor, only none of the rest of us could have been elected, and we only wanted to use you. Then we did not want you to go to the Senate but the people would send you.” Unpopular as he may have been with his colleagues, you see, the people loved him — it was said of him that “he was always the same to everyone” — the honors heaped upon him did not make him forget to be kind to the humblest citizen. For that, we award him a Gamelink membership so he can watch amateur porn — the people loved him, so he get to watch the people.

Franklin Pierce was a northern Democrat who saw the abolitionist movement as a fundamental threat to the unity of the nation, and it tells you pretty much all you need to know about him that — like so many other shitty presidents — he tried to sweep it under the rug rather than just get rid of it, which resulted in the border wars known as the Kansas conflict. Note that he wasn’t pro-slavery — he was just anti-abolitionist, which means his position was really less a matter of “I love slavery” than it was of “Can we talk about this another time? It’s awkward right now.” He made a point of enforcing the Fugitive Slave Act, and drove his wife to a nervous breakdown by focusing on the office he hadn’t been elected to, and when their son was killed in a train accident that they barely survived, she thought maybe it was divine punishment for his ambition. Having that kind of wife should be punishment enough for anyone, but he is remembered by historians as one of our worst presidents. He did acquire a sizable chunk of Mexico to use in the construction of a transcontinental railway, though, so for that I give him Latina porn.

Millard Fillmore, the president who most sounds like he has a porn name already, only became President because he managed to hitch his wagon to Zachary Taylor’s star; when Taylor died in 1850, Fillmore ascended to the Oval Office and spent the next three years not doing much; like most of the presidents before him and a few after, he specifically failed to do anything useful about slavery and actively made the situation worse. He was also one of five men to serve as President without being elected, and when the time came to run for re-election, his own party declined to invite him back. He ended up running with the Know-Nothing Party four years later, but the nation followed suit and said “No thanks, Millard.” Notably, when he took office after and Taylor’s cabinet submitted pro forma resignations, he accepted them, which caused kind of a clusterfuck in the management of the country, which is why I’m picking orgy porn for Millard — the unrestrained chaos of a couple of dozen bodies going every which way is a perfect metaphor for the state of the nation during the transition.