Talk Derby to Me: Badass Lesbian Skaters

It’s rare these days to see Joanna Angel in a non-Sweetheart Video production that also features Stoya, Katrina Jade, and a five-some of what look to be real roller-derby girls. Oh, did I mention that it’s a lesbian title? Well, it is. There are those of you who will be happier to hear about that than I am, call me queer, but I prefer some dick in my porn, but then Sweetheart Video is catering to you, not me; it’s just my job to pass along the good news that there’s a new all-girl movie to float your boat.

Now that I mention it, there are all kinds of things going on in this movie that I have to reach to get into. On that note, I have to confess that I have real trouble taking roller-derby seriously. That is not to say that it isn’t serious, just that I think the only experience I have with it is that maybe someone on Laverne and Shirley mentioned it, and I think roller-derby as a sport is about as authentic as pro wrestling That said, I am 100% sure that other people, including its practitioners, take it seriously, and that if any roller-derby women read this article, they would invite me to come get my ass kicked at a roller-derby (rink? arena? derby?), and they would be right to do so. But no thank you, derby queens.

Let it be enough for me, then, that in this movie I get to watch the likes of Joanna Angel, who is blazing hot even when she’s not being funny, Stoya, who is like an ethereal sex fairy, and Arabelle Raphael, who holds the current unofficial Naked Truth title for Hottest Incarnation of a Fifth-Grader’s Wet Dream. In fact, the whole cast of Talk Derby to Me is very much to my taste; even the women who don’t participate in the lesbian sex scenes look great; in some ways, they are even more appealing than the porn stars ? we do tend to want what we can’t have, and the inclusion of (I think) a bunch of queerish Canadian roller-derby women is deliciously tantalizing. Their names, if you want to go look them up, are Falcon Punch, Mange Moi el Cul, Tuesday ‘Terrible Tues’ English-Pavey, Lacey Lion, and Sara ‘Jet Blaster’ Augusto.

If you’re a fan of roller-derby, maybe you can picture the five-foot-tall Joanna Angel and the willowy, translucent Stoya as a pair of vicious brutes nicknamed Bruiser and Crusher> I don’t know what goes on in roller-derby, and after watching Talk Derby to Me, I still don’t, which is one of its virtues. It doesn’t try to educate us about roller-derby, just throws us in the middle of some roller-derby stuff and dares us to hit the ground running, or skating. That both creates a sense of authenticity and tacitly acknowledges that this movie isn’t about watching roller-derby, it’s about watching hot badass lesbian women have sex with each other.

When you see the sexy locker-room lesbian three-way where veteran teammates Katrina Jade and Gia Paige take on newcomer Carmen Caliente to find out if she fucks as well as she skates, you will probably stop wondering exactly what a jammer is, and when you watch Joanna as a worn-down almost-has-been trying to make a comeback making really sweet, tender love in the shower with her ex-lesbian-lover and skating partner Stoya, a scene which gives weight to Sweetheart’s claim of, real sex, real passion, real orgasms, you could forget about the actual comeback and about the drama surrounding it.

There’s a classic story here about the competition between brash youth and the wisdom of experience, but when you see Sovereign Syre and Arabelle Raphael as lovers celebrating their successfully artificial insemination with a rousing and energetic fuck, you will almost certainly stop thinking about which of the girls will be team captain after the big showdown. I was kind of hoping for a big ten-lesbian roller-derby orgy at the end, after Joanna Angel has proved the virtues of teamwork and compassion to her younger and more fiery compatriots, but I can’t say that I regret the scene in which she and Elsa Jean finally break through the sexual tension that has accompanied their training montages. All in all, this movie is grittier and more convincing, if less showy, than its predecessor, Roller Dollz, and whether you come to it for roller-derby action or hot lesbians, you’ll definitely find something you like.